The Ultimate Guide To Having A Threesome: Here's How To Pull It Off

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Sex is amazing, isn’t it? It’s one of the most satisfying and pleasurable experiences in the world, and when it’s good, it’s almost impossible to top.

There is still one thing better than having sex with someone though.

Having sex with two people, of course.

When it comes to sexual experiences, threesomes really are the ultimate fantasy, and for anyone that’s never had one, I’m here to tell you that whoever said ‘three’s a crowd’ was talking absolute nonsense.

Having said this, they can be pretty unnerving ordeals, and without proper care and attention, they can quickly descend into one of the most awkward situations you’re likely to encounter.

There’s no need to despair though – I’ve put together the perfect guide to pull off a successful ménage à trois – so just avoid doing these things and you’ll soon find out that three really is the magic number…

1. Not doing your research

In a threesome, there’s double the amount of people critiquing your performance than usual, which means there’s twice the opportunity to disappoint.

Don’t let this thought put you off though – instead – do your homework into the moves and positions you can get into so you don’t look like a complete novice (even though you probably are).

Try Bobbing For Apples, or doing The Daisy Chain, or The G-Spot Jiggy (yes those are real threesome positions) – it’ll blow their minds and you’ll actually seem like you know what you’re doing.

2. Doing it with someone that two of you hate

I’m not sure how this would happen – but they always say that the line between love and hate is a thin one – so you never know. I can assure you it’s a recipe for disaster anyway, so don’t even bother, because every little thing they do will just annoy the hell out of you and the whole thing will be a nightmare from start to finish.

Remember, keep your friends close, and your enemies far, far away.

3. Not establishing ground rules/a safe word

Communication is key if you want to ensure your threesome’s a roaring success – you should go over what you feel comfortable sucking or not sucking, for example, or verbalise which holes are completely off limits. It’s also good to be aware of the group dynamic too – if you’re having a threesome with two girls and one’s a lesbian, she might not want your pipe anywhere near her.

Also, things could get a bit out of hand at times, so you’re best to set a safe word that people can declare when they want proceedings to stop. Avoid ambiguous words like ‘no’ or ‘ouch’ because in the context of group sex these can be misconstrued as encouraging signs – instead go for words that you’d never hear in a threesome, like ‘leprechaun’, or ‘David Attenborough’.

4. Doing it on an empty stomach

You’re going to be expending a lot of energy over the course of the evening, so you need to make sure that you aren’t going into the action absolutely starving. If you do, you’ll end up getting ‘hangry’, and nobody likes a hangry person, so you run the risk of nobody wanting to have sex with you. Also, if you’re hangry, no matter how many dicks n’ tits there are to keep you occupied, you won’t be able to stop thinking about food.

Another quick word of advice – have a little tipple – it’ll settle the nerves and give you a bit of Dutch courage. Be wary of getting too pissed though, you’ll end up passing out and your threesome will have suddenly turned into a twosome that you’re just in the same room as.

6. Being close-minded

This one shouldn’t be that difficult – you’re having a threesome after all – you’re hardly the most prudish person in the world.

Really though, what I’m referring to here is going with the flow, because chances are this could be your first and only threesome experience, so now’s your opportunity to live out your ultimate fantasy and go wild.

‘Wanna touch that?’ ‘Yeah, why not?!’ ‘Can you put that thing in this thing?’ ‘Sure, fuck it!’ Just try and gauge the mood in the room, you don’t want to get too carried away and suggest you all indulge in your incestuous/blood cult fantasy – it’ll create a really weird vibe in there.

7. Forgetting to bring a vibrator/lube

Again, a successful threesome is largely down to the preparation you put in before the actual day; fail to prepare and you should prepare to fail, so you want to get your shit together to ensure the proceedings go as smoothly as possibly.

Lube will always come in handy at some point during an orgy, if not to loosen things up then at least as a delicious snack halfway through. The vibrator is also pretty self explanatory – there’s three of you having sex together for crying out loud – at least one of you is going to have a spare orifice that you’re willing to have filled.

8. Having one with a guy who’s got a significantly bigger cock than you have

A lot of men can be insecure about the size of their manhood, and it’s no wonder when you’re constantly subjected to those long, smooth, triumphant bastards every time you put on porn. (Seriously, they’re like designer dicks.)

If you choose to partake in a threesome with a guy with said designer dick, this insecurity is only going to rear its ugly head once again, as you’ll end up worrying that everyone’s having a laugh behind your back and that he’s satisfying her in ways you could only dream of. This is going to affect your overall performance and put you off threesomes (and sex) forever.

My advice for you to get around this problem is to a) have a threesome with a guy who’s got a pecker, or b) have a threesome with two girls. Either way, you’re a fucking winner.

10. Doing it with people who are way more sexually experienced than you

This is a fucking bad idea – it’d be like sending me to perform open heart surgery on your dog – I wouldn’t have a clue what to do and I’d ultimately let everyone down, including the dog.

In terms of your chosen participants, you need to find people of a similar sexual prowess – not too inexperienced because it could be fairly boring, and not too accomplished either, because you’ll be way out of your depth. Basically, you need to be like the Goldilocks of threesomes and find the middle option that’s just right.

11. Failing to keep busy at all times

They say there’s no rest for the wicked, and you should remember that when you’re having a threesome. Make it your job to monitor the situation and see how it develops; Is everyone going at the same speed? Does anyone look bored? Is everyone enjoying themselves?

Keep busy and multi-task to ensure that everyone else is having a good time, because if they are, chances are you will too. Be like your mum on Christmas Day when she frantically goes around making sure that everyone’s got enough roast potatoes and turkey – only replace the turkey with orgasms.

12. Going in the wrong hole

For many of you having a threesome, there’ll be no such thing as a ‘wrong’ hole, as every crevice will be open for business.

Some, however, will be a little more selective of what goes inside them, which is absolutely fine too. If you’ve set out the ground rules like I’ve already advised – there should be no grey areas – and you should all be fully aware of what is and isn’t permitted.

No matter who’s involved in the threesome, whether it be three guys, or three girls, there’s no excuse for venturing into places that are off limits – so be warned if you do – you could end up with a black eye.

13. Being a hog/leaving someone out

Nobody likes a greedy fucker, especially when it comes to either food, or sex. The whole point of a threesome is that 3 people are involved – not 2, not 4, but 3 – so make sure that everyone is involved.

While the idea of someone in a threesome being attracted to one person more than the other isn’t that far-fetched, it’s an unwritten rule of threesomes that you have to pay EQUAL attention to all participants and restrain from showing favouritism. Obviously that doesn’t mean that if you’re a heterosexual male you have to start sucking off another guy out of fear of leaving him out, I’m just on about if you fancy one girl/guy more than the other.

Leaving someone out at the best of times is a pretty mean thing to do, but doing it during a threesome is pure evil, and probably the most selfish thing a person could do. How would you feel? Like shit probably, so don’t do it to someone else.

14. Getting jealous

In some ways this links back to the previous bit of advice, but if you’ve been purposely alienated by the other two people, I’d say you have a right to get a tad bit jealous if they’re having it off in front of you and you’re stood there like a lemon.

What you can’t really get jealous about though, is if you’ve agreed to have a threesome with your partner, and you don’t like them doing stuff with someone else. Don’t have a fucking threesome if you can’t bear to see them have sex with someone else.

15. Letting the occasion get to you and cumming within a minute

Having a threesome is as much about the mental as it is about the physical. I know the thought of having sex with two girls at the same time is a truly mind blowing prospect, but you’re going to have to get over that in order to pull one off, because otherwise you’re going to cum in about 45 seconds.

It’s like doing your driving test – you’ve done it a million times before and you know you can do it – it’s just about putting it all together on the big day. My advice is that if you know you’re having a threesome later that night, knock a couple out in the afternoon, or if that’s too risky, try to distract yourself during sex to make you last. Close your eyes, forget about the two naked girls, and think about what’s for tea or what you’re getting your mum for her birthday, and you’ll be fine.

Mind over matter, remember.

16. Cumming on your mate on purpose

I’m sorry to have to tell you, but with that amount of bodily fluids flying around, some of it will land on somewhere, or rather, someone, you wish it hadn’t. It’s a certainty, and if you don’t believe me, check the terms and conditions of any contract that you have to sign before you take part in a threesome.

Having said this, doing it on purpose in a bid to gross your mate out whilst he’s still going at it, is absolutely unforgivable behaviour, and bound to ruin the mood. You’re just pissing on everyone’s bonfire because there’s no way he can continue with your hot load dripping down his leg.

If you insist on doing it, at least let everyone finish first – then it’s just excellent banter and a hilarious anecdote to tell at a later date.

17. Falling in love

Rule number one of threesomes – they are almost 99 percent of the time purely sexual – so don’t get too attached and start falling in love with one, or both of the people you’ve had one with.

Sure, it might be a passionate, even spiritual experience, but most other people will be seeing it as a means of fulfilling a certain desire or fantasy that they’ve always had, and I’m pretty sure that people don’t participate in them to get any meaningful, long-term satisfaction, that say, intimate sex with someone you love, would give you.

Going and falling in love is only going to make things weird for everyone involved and rule out the potential for another threesome with the same people in the future. Don’t let your feelings get in the way of a good thing, you big softy.

18. Assuming you’re now in a three way relationship

So you’ve had sex with two people at the same time, big deal (I’m not being sarcastic by the way, you are actually a big deal now).

As unforgettable as the night may have been, you have to remember that fact, it was just one night. It doesn’t mean that all of you are suddenly in a three-way relationship, so don’t even try to convince yourself that it’s a dynamic that somehow just works for you all.

Get over it, and move onto the next post-threesome phase of your life – you’re a living legend now, start acting like one.

Now you’re ready, go forth and sow those wild oats.

Images via iStock/GIPHY

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