There's Now An "Air Sex Championship" That Has To Be Seen To Be Believed...
Like 99% of you, I had absolutely no knowledge of ‘Air Sex Championships’ until I read about it this morning.
That’s right, ‘Air Sex Championships’, which for all intents and purposes is just another ridiculous competition on a conveyor belt of absurd events that our friends over the pond just can’t seem to get enough of.
You know the ones I’m referring to: arm wrestling championships, hot dog eating contests, tag world championships, I’m pretty sure they even play Quidditch in some parts, too. Anyway, if a bizarre pseudo-sport exists, you can bet your bottom dollar that the good citizens of America will find a way to turn it into a genuine form of competition.
(I don’t really get it, but maybe that’s just the Brit in me being backwards, the same backwards that baffles Americans by putting mince in a pie.)
I’ve digressed, so lets get back to the subject of the article. Where was I? Oh, yeah, air sex.
It’s essentially a really warped version of charades except you’d never dream of playing this with your granny at Christmas.
It’s described as a sports/art/comedy gig with participants taking to the stage to show off their best boudoir moves on, well, thin air.
‘Think Air Guitar, but instead of pretending to play boring old musical instruments, Air Sex participants have jaw-dropping sexual encounters with an invisible partner (or partners!) using nothing more than the art of pelvic storytelling and pure imagination,’ reads the official description of the competition.
To me, it sounds a lot like those god awful boat parties in Kavos or Magaluf where some poor/moronic sods have to perform sex acts on each other. Somehow, I actually got roped into doing one once, and my mind went completely blank. You know how many positions I thought of? Two. You have no idea how humiliating it is for a 17-year-old virgin on his first lads’ holiday to be forced to act out sex positions in front of a group of people.
It’s an experience that still haunts me to this day.
In all fairness, the Air Sex Championships are erotic and hilarious in equal measures. Just watch the video below, the blokes are absolutely clueless, but watching the women has given me half a chub under my office desk.
Like any respectable competition, the Air Sex Championships has its rules.
A panel of judges preside over each show, offering feedback and choosing regional winners before going on to decide a national winner.
One important rule is that everything has to be simulated, which means no ejaculation. Even though you may be bumping and grinding like a mad man, any form of cummage is likely to end in an automatic disqualification and a terrible clean up job.
The show tours around America every year and it’s a bloody good job it hasn’t hit the UK yet; if it were here I don’t think there’s any doubt I would win it, what with my superb missionary skills and that other one where she’s on top but facing away from you.
Like. A. Pro.
Images via Getty/Ibiza Boat Parties/YouTube/Air Sex Championships/Slate Magazine