Ten Things You Should Absolutely Never Do During Sex

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Sex is a minefield and you need a guide to help you through it. Luckily I’ve got nothing to do and apparently I have to do some work or some shit whilst The Hook pay me to be here (I assumed just for company morale) so I’m going to shed my wisdom onto you.

Be prepared to feel like an idiot after you read all of these, because they’re pretty easy mistakes to make…

1. Cry about someone else that you love and would rather be having sex with

Although it may sound like a good idea and crying about lost love is supposed to be cathartic, it’s an unspoken rule that opening up to your current partner about an ex is a bit out of the question, most of all during sex.

If you do feel compelled to do something similar, have a wank to their Facebook profile picture and move on.

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2. Call your mum to ask if she enjoyed last night’s episode on Great British Bake Off

It’s always nice to hear from your parents – we all know that. Better yet is bonding with your parents over shared interests; whether it be Bake Off or embroidery, know that there’s a time and a place to call your mother.

Not only would your sexual partner be put off by what’s unfolding before them, there’s also the chance that your mother may find the situation somewhat untoward.

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3. Ritualistically strangle a pigeon to death

Sometimes you may feel that the sex is lacking and to spice it up, it may be prudent to sacrifice a sentient being to one or more of the many gods of sex. This is almost always a bad idea.

The gods of sex are very hard to please (much like every woman) and will usually only settle for a white stag, slaughtered on a blood moon. If anything, a pigeon on a random Thursday will probably offend them.

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4. When receiving oral sex, sing the ‘Taste Great’ song from that old Frosties advert

You know the one…

Bad song regardless of the situation. Just avoid it.

5. Go into detail about how you believe the Queen and other people in positions of power to actually be lizards

I mean, obviously it’s true and any other time you’re totally in your rights to go 100% David Icke, but sex is a bit iffy.

If the person you’re shagging has an ounce of intelligence about them, they’ll totally agree but then they might get distracted from the matter in hand.

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6. Facetime your old school teacher and say “You know how you said I’d never amount to anything? Well I’m a-mounting this lady right here!” and then make them watch

What am I talking about? That’s a perfect way to conduct yourself. Imagine the look on their stupid face when they see you shagging some tasty babe. Priceless.

Fuck you, Mr Graves, you crusty old prick – telling me that I wasn’t good enough. You see this girl here? She thinks I’m good enough. I asked her and she said that I was a six out of ten. That’s better than average!!!

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7. Quote Treebeard in Lord of the Rings when you reach orgasm and shout “Break the dam! Unleash the river!!!”

My brother actually did this with his ex.

Note that the person he tried it with is now his ex. I don’t think it’s a coincidence but I don’t have the heart to tell him.

What was he thinking?

8. When they’re not looking, pour a load of black ink onto your partner’s genitals so when they look down, they think they’re cursed.

Sure, it would be priceless but I’m not sure how well ink reacts with genitals. It feels like every day you hear of something going up a vagina, resulting in a yeast infection.

I doubt there’s much yeast in black ink but I’m not sure if that’s how it works and god knows that I’m not going to waste a gynaecologist’s time by looking into it. They have more pressing things to do.

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9. Put the pennis in the vergerna

Like eww wtf???

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10. Check an article expressing the ten cardinal sins of sex

So doing that without having sex would be a total waste of your time anyway, but doing it whilst you’re having sex would be a very stupid thing to do. The writer is more than likely a unsexed weirdo whose only redeeming factor is a decent grasp on irony and if your partner finds out that you read his stuff, they’ll for sure leave you.

If they don’t leave you, then maybe you should leave them. They clearly don’t have much self respect if they’re okay with that.

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There he is, the bellend. Useless prick looks 12 years younger than he is. God I hate him.

That’s it. That’s the end of the advice.

If you want more insights, follow me on Twitter – @AlfiePowell – I need validation.

Images via iStock

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