This Is How To Have An Orgasm Without Actually Having Sex

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I’ll be honest with you, this article is going to be a learning curve for me too. I was minding my own business in the office, looking at memes and stalking people on Instagram like a good boy when Daisy told me I had to do some work.

I asked her what I should do and she said “I dunno… how to orgasm without having sex? Seems like the kind of shit you write about,” so yeah, here’s how to orgasm without having sex, I guess.

Ummm…

1. Have a wank?

Right, that’s the easy one out of the way. Suppose I have to get creative now.

2. Abstain

If you abstain from both sex and masturbation but watch plenty of porn, the chances are you’ll eventually have a wet-dream. Orgasm plus sleep. What could be better? That’s how they work, isn’t it?

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So we’re not even half way yet (I don’t think – god knows how long this article is going to be) but I’m changing the rules. Orgasming without sex essentially requires masturbation, whether you’re doing it yourself or doing something that emulates the experience. With that in mind, I will throw a few of those in, but from now on I’m also going to tell you how to achieve things as good as orgasms that aren’t orgasms. Why? Because I’m hungover and it’s hard.

3. Avoid toilets

Not forever, obviously. Just enough so that it feel amazing when you do eventually go. Now I don’t want you all getting urinary tract infections or your bladders bursting but I’m not a doctor, so I can’t tell you how long is too long. I suppose just use your best judgement?

4. Sit on a washing machine?

I think I’ve seen this in a film. A lady sits on a washing machine or a tumble drier, turns it on and then gets turned on herself. I’m not sure if this actually works but if it does, it’s probably worth trying. I doubt it will do anything for you if you’re a man but again, I could be wrong.

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There is a lot of guess work going on here.

5. Find Jesus

I hear it’s rewarding

6. Become a monk

Surprise surprise, I don’t know a lot about monks. But with that being said, my limited knowledge of them does allow for knowing that they have such command over their own bodies and minds, that they can cum on request, should they so please.

No, that’s fish.

Step 6 is become a fish.

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7. Get drunk

I’m pretty sure on every article I do offering advice, drinking stupid amounts of alcohol is on there. Why should this one be any different?

Drinking’s nice, isn’t it? Probably nicer than some of the sex you’ve had.

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8. Obligatory basic white girl “omggg all I need is pizza, garlic bread and sleepppp”

So yeah, do those things and probably throw in something petting a dog (or “doggo”) and going by how girls on Tinder and Twitter have it, you’ll probably have the most intense orgasm of your life.

9. Kill a man

Doubt anything will live up to that kind of rush. Not even sex.

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Suppose I should do ten? I’m really clutching at straws here.

10. Fall in love

I feel like I’ve heard somewhere that falling in love and having that person love you back is one of the best feelings in the world; possibly better than cumming. I’ve never experienced this so I really don’t know whether or not it’s true, but a lot of people talk about “love” with a fair amount of passion, so perhaps it’s worth trying.

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That is what iStock thinks love is. Just a fucking mess. Like fuck are are those lights coming untangled now and for some reason this ridiculous couple have cut their losses, plugged them in and had a little cuddle. I retract what I said about falling in love. Love is a drug and should be avoided if you want the luxury of thinking rationally. And I know they sound like the profound musings of a person who’s felt love’s cruel sting but they’re not.

At least I don’t think they are?

Anyway. Those are ten (but more like nine) ways to achieve an orgasm without having sex. I’ll be honest, I think only the first one will work and I kind of lost track of where I was going by step five.

Nonetheless, if you’ve made it this far, you may as well go that one step further and follow me on Twitter – @AlfiePowell

Images via iStock. Especially the last one.

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