This Is How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You

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None of us ever see it coming, do we? We glide through life, trying to have fun and not die until the age of 13 and then something happens with our hormones. All of a sudden staying alive is dropped to number two importance and having fun is far higher than it was any right to be.

But at this age, you’ve discovered that there’s more ways than one to have fun after your friend – the one who can grow a wispy moustache before anyone else – showed you porn on the school bus. After that, you’re totally consumed with the desire to have sex and you don’t even care how desperate you look.

This goes on for just under a decade and then when you hit your early twenties, your back starts to hurt when you sleep in a funny position, you get actual hangovers and for every one night stand you go through, you start to resent yourself more and more. Something needs to change. You need love.

Easier said than done though, right? You go on plenty of dates and all of the people are nice enough, but something’s missing. That is until you meet one person who is pound-for-pound the most perfect suitor you’ve ever met. There are no words to explain just how well you’re made for each other and also, they’re a real hottie.

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You need them to fall in love with you and fall in love with you fast. Shouldn’t be too hard. Just follow my instructions.

Make sure they know you’re fertile

Honestly I wouldn’t have included this one but I did some research for this article (first time ever, I think) and a WikiHow tip was “learn love language”. Now this isn’t sweet talking – that comes later – this is a list of things you can do to indicate all of the right things subconsciously. They genuinely advised you let it be known that you’re fertile through speech and body language.

So, I don’t know, go to pay for dinner and have a form from the health clinic with your sperm count on it fall out of your wallet. Failing that, tell them.

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Get off with their mum or dad

eHarmony states that if you want to woo a girl, you should woo her friends and family. Now they could mean that figuratively, but you probably know that nothing in the world of love is as it seems.

My suggestion would be to wait until you’re introduced to her parents for dinner, at which point you can start stroking their leg with your foot seductively. Gauge how they react from there. If positive, carry on and later have sex.

If negative, perhaps rub harder? That’s never happened for me before so I can’t say what might work in that situation.

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Smother them

People will tell you that you should be cool and distant to the person you’re trying to woo, with your lacking in their life leading to them wanting you more.

This is absolute nonsense, and there’s nothing people like more than their phone being blown up 24/7 by someone they went on one date with and later told to give them a bit of space.

If for instance, you went on a date and then the person in question said that they’re not ready to date, text them until they are. At least once an hour. At least.

After that, stop texting them for a good week. They’ll start to realise that they became dependent on your texts, and they feel incomplete without them. The next step is obvious. They’ll text you and want you for life.

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Fight all competition

When stalking your future spouse’s Facebook or Instagram account, there’s always the possibility that they might be seen with another possible suitor. This is not acceptable.

With this in mind, you need to fight (possibly to the death) your competition. If they’re not tagged in the photo, then look through the likes. The chances are they liked it and it’s just a case of matching a profile picture to the face in the incriminating photo.

Find out everything you can about them, ambush them, and fight them. Now, it’s not worth fighting them unless the love of your life is there to see it – they need to know that you’re a more powerful person, after all – so try to make sure you pounce when they’re together.

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The thing is, who needs love?

I had a pot noodle for breakfast this morning and I had no-one there to tell me I shouldn’t be doing that. I’m winning in life and all of these other suckers with their “love” and “happiness” are just draining society.

Idiots.

Images via iStock

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