The Ultimate Guide On Sex: How To Know If You're Any Good At It

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I’ve gotten so invested in whether or not I’m good at sex that I’ve started to wonder if I actually enjoy it. It’s a funny old place to be, especially considering that I spend most of my life angling for it (this article is just a long-winded attempt to impress a girl (who I may or may not forward it to)).

I think at the end of the day, sex serves to confirm that the person I just went on a date with actually likes me which, for a moment, is all “oh good, that’s a relief” and then for many more moments afterwards “good I feel filthy and terrible and I wish I were in my own bed“… this is not being forwarded to that girl.

Anyway, feeling like that’s all well and good (it’s not, there’s just a time and a place to delve into the lack of meaningful sex in my life, i.e. not here) but how do I know if I’m actually good at sex? Noises? Encores? Stealing her phone and seeing how she rates me to her friends? All options, but we need to go into more detail…

Here’s a list of ways you could find out how good you are in bed:

1. Noises

Everyone’s different but if you’re hearing noises like “oooh that’s good sex” or “I am enjoying this very much” whilst performing the shag, then things are likely going well. Along with that, as long as you’re not shagging a nun or something, you want to listen for swearing. There’s a fine line between not at all, the right amount, and too much.

Not swearing is fine if the person you’re with doesn’t swear, but bad if you know that they’ve got the mouth of a sailor. Swearing too much to the point where it’s just gratuitous and reminiscent of the sort of porn film where there’s always a two minute close up of the man’s arse and balls pumping away at a woman screaming her lungs of is bad – they’re faking it. There’s a middle ground and you’ll know it when you hear it.

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Failing that…

2. Ask

If you’re feeling a lil’ bit insecure, stop what you’re doing, look at your partner dead in the eye and say “am I doing a good job?” You’ll either get an answer you like, meaning you can carry on, get an answer you don’t like, usually meaning you don’t much feel like finishing, or more likely, “yeah it’s been alright but that totally killed it.”

The general rule is don’t ask during, unless it’s something like “you like that?” or “how’s this for you?”. Afterwards, you can ask as much as you like. Have a printed out survey you want them to fill out? Fill your boots. Slightly less weird, but still pretty weird, “how was that?”.

*I know this is mainly all ironic but to my shame, that’s something I’ve legitimately asked a good few times. The thing is, I always preface it with “haha I’ve never asked this before, but…” to make myself sound more normal. Total bollocks. I’ll ask it quite often (as often as someone who rarely has sex can)*

God you’re learning a lot about me today. This is fun.

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3. Fake it

Sometimes you’ll hear about a girl faking it in bed, as a girl you’ve faked it yourself, or as a man you’ve been faked on (I’m aware that men sometimes fake it but shh… narrative). This is usually to raise the confidence in the partner, making them think they’re doing a good job, so to speak. However some people will fake so they can get the whole lacklustre sex thing out of the way.

To find out if you’re doing a good job in bed, you’ll want to flip the whole ‘faking it’ thing on its head. Way before you’re about to finish, you all of a sudden grunt loudly, stop, recline, say “did you come? I came…”. You then need to gauge your partner’s reaction. If they go “Yep. Definitely” and then run off to the toilet, they weren’t enjoying the sex and they’re glad it’s over. If they say something like “Oh… really?” and have a look of condescending disappointment on their face, you were doing an average job. If they look OTT sad (bottom lip out, fake stroppy) and ask whether you have a round two in you, you were likely doing a pretty good job.

That’s when you get back to it. That being said, you should wait like twenty minutes because at that point you’re already halfway there – you don’t want them thinking you came too early twice.

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4. Negging

Even if they’re doing a fantastic job, start insulting your partner’s method to an eye-watering degree. This will almost always result in sex finishing but at least you’ll know whether or not it was worth carrying on with.

If you hit them with “Fucking hell this is awful. Can you actually fucking do something? Are you usually this bad? It’s like fucking a greyhound’s corpse, with you“, their reply give you all the answers you need.

If they respond quickly with a “are you fucking serious?? You?!” it’s clear that you’re not good. On the other hand, if you get a retort full of stuttering and “oh yeah? Well… well you’re not so great either”, they’re either lying to save face or the least witty person you’re ever likely to meet. If they cry, you’re fantastic and they’re embarrassed. Give yourself a pat on the back and get out of there.

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5. Steal a phone

Whether it’s the person you just laid or a good friend of theirs, stealing one of their phones could give you all of the answers you need.

If it’s the person you had sex with, you might want to wait until the next day. That way it’s likely that they’ve spoken to their friends about their experience with you. Similarly, you can steal their friend’s phone and text your partner immediately, saying something like “omgggg how was heee????? xxxxx” (because that’s how girls text).

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But you shouldn’t steal.

As every with my advice, take it with a pinch of salt because it’s all bollocks. Honestly, an article written about regular sex by me has the same validity as a Windows 98 user guide written by Gandhi.

Also, it’s probably not worth pulling that thread. Why would you want to know how good you are at sex? The chances are the answer isn’t as good as you hoped.

Much love x

Images via iStock

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