The Ultimate Guide On Nudes: How To Take The Perfect One

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*For any American reading, when I say pants, I mean underwear – not trousers*

Rule one of dating, whether or not you met online, is to not send nudes to one another. Things get messy, all of a sudden your partner has blackmailing power against you and it takes the fun out of the initial undressing period before your first time having sex.

That being said, everyone ignores this advice and god knows I have done too. So with that in mind, I may as well take advantage of that and make some money from an article about taking nudes.

First and foremost, you have to throw everything you already know about taking nudes away. Listen up and listen hard, most nudes aren’t good. Now I know what you’re thinking, “well gee, Alfie, I sure do like me some good nudes,” and I know you do. We all do.

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But we all inexplicably like the beach even though the sea’s just a shit, dirty pool, sand is akin to cancer and the sun gives you actual cancer. But hey, it looks nice. That’s my point, we like nudes because we get to see naked people who we want to have sex with, regardless of how they’re taken. You never stop to think about it when you’re jumping into bed to have a quick wank, but if you look at the last nude sent to you and just think for a moment about how poorly it’s shot, you’ll lose a lot of respect for the person who sent it to you.

Nonetheless, like the beach, we always go back. No matter how much you’ve been burnt.

Anyway, tips.

Get some good lighting

For men, this usually means going for a light directly above you but to the side a bit. This will create a shadow below what pecs and abs you have, creating the illusion of actual muscle. It also gives your penis a heavenly glow and puts your face in the shadow if you’re choosing to show it. Three birds, one stone, there.

It’s basically the opposite for ladies as long boob shadows going down your torso look weird and presumably you want them to look as perky as possible. Go for a side light for that accentuates the full bust without eluding to any sagging.

As for vaginas, they’re a little harder. You know how Brooklyn Beckham says that elephants are notoriously hard to photograph? So are vaginas but, you know, actually. Staring you in the eye, vaginas are weird looking (still infinitely better than dicks though) so the lighting is sort of irrelevant there. It’s all about angle for them.

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Know your angle

This one really depends on your preference and body type but there are definitely some no-nos in there. You know that standard dickpic angle that basically every man goes for where it’s basically a POV from him? Terrible. Really bad shot.

Not only is it unflattering and shows the extent of your messy room in the background, it’s one of the few angles your partner will never see your dick, so it’s utterly pointless. People like familiarity, pounce on that and at least try to get an upshot like what someone would see if they go down on you and it gets your body in. Failing that, with your fancy new lighting, go for the super above shot, almost bird’s-eye view.

The same goes for girls mostly, with one exception. Ladies have the privilege of being able to lay on their sides and take a shot of that – very nice. Everyone’s a fan of that.

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With all that being said, mirror shots or self-time camera on from a meter or so away are always better.

Setting

You could take the best nude ever and it would be totally ruined by a load of pants in the background with some used tissues and empty beer cans. And I don’t mean the sexy kind of pants, I mean a pile of boxers or grandma pants, not a playful thong or something.

Someone legitimately once sent me a nude taken in a public toilet cubicle where there was actual piss on the floor (something I didn’t realise happened in ladies’ bathrooms). I thought it was funny at first but apparently I wasn’t supposed to.

So the moral of this part is just make sure your setting isn’t a mess. Shower nudes are difficult logistically but have a big payoff and wherever you are, plus points for getting a mirror shot in the background – as in taking a selfie where there’s a mirror behind you so you can see your front and back.

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God that picture’s going to exist long after I’m dead now.

Be good-looking

The main thing you need to take a good nude is to be attractive. You know, objectively. Some people have a difficult time pulling this off but I just get the feeling that they’re not trying hard enough.

Like why is it so hard to have perfect bone structure and strong, well-shaped shoulders that aren’t too broad but pleasantly strong? A flawless complexion helps too and compliments your athletic build to no end.

Aim to be a seven out of ten at the very least.

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Or do what I did and use black bars that are far too big, so as to hide your insecurities.

Face

This bit is largely for the ladies.

Nudes are always made better when the face is included but for obvious reasons, it very rarely is.

Now we all know why and, really, it’s sensible not to include your face in nudes on the off chance that the recipient turns out to be a proper nutter or is into the whole revenge-porn scene.

However, if you 100% trust the person you’re sending a nude to, it might be worth getting your face involved. Pull a sexy face or a faint smile and that’s that – you picture’s gone from a six to a nine just by angling the camera up a few centimetres.

Failing that, just the mouth. Open slightly but not too much, possible lipstick but don’t feel inclined. You know the drill. Maybe stick a finger in there.

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Have fun with it.

*I feel like I need to clarify that the two pictures in the text conversation aren’t of me. My house isn’t carpeted and I disagree with coloured bed sheets*

My point remains though. Probably don’t send nudes.

Images via iStock, Myself in my bathroom/Paris

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