How To Tell If You're Addicted To Porn

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I have a real love/hate relationship with porn.

Admittedly, it’s like 95% love and only 5% hate, but like any relationship, we have our good times, and we have our bad times.

When I do go through a period of enjoying it, I’m always wary of getting too carried away with it, mainly because I tend to have an addictive personality and I know it isn’t healthy to be staring at such a distorted version of sex for most of the day.

With that being said, I’m sure there are a few men out there that don’t quite possess the same willpower as I do, so here’s a list I’ve compiled to let you know if you’re addicted to porn.

If at least four of them apply to you, I think it’s safe to say you have a bit of an obsession with porn…

1. You can recognise guys by their dicks alone

Everyone knows that dicks in porn aren’t real. How could they be – they’re far too long, thick and smooth to be authentic – which is why I think it’s unfair that we’re constantly subjected to them and made to feel like shit about our own penises. Penis envy is not in the slightest bit becoming, but I can’t help but feel that if you had one of those perfect dicks, it’d be a waste to not go into porn. It’s a shame to deny the world a dick that good.

If, however, you’re so familiar with a male pornographic actor that you can recognise him just from the shape of his penis alone, I suggest you stop looking at porn. Like, immediately. You’ve spent way too much time on porn if you can watch a compilation video and be like ‘oh there’s so and so doing his thing again.’ Just have a word with yourself – guessing which dick belongs to whom is not a game you should be excelling at.

2. Your browsing history is non-existent

‘History, clear the following items from the last hour: browsing history, download history, cached images and files’ – you know what just get rid of it all, wipe all of the data off the face of the earth if you have to, just don’t let anyone find out about my tentacle fetish.

Learning how to delete your internet history is a rookie skill that one learns during the formative years of high school, but unfortunately, if the gap in what you’ve browsed is bigger than the Grand Canyon, it’s going to look pretty obvious that you’ve been looking at too much filthy stuff. It’s 2017 – like anyone believes you haven’t used the internet for a month – you’ve clearly just been wanking yourself into oblivion.

3. You type the letter ‘p’ or ‘x’ into Google and it instantly suggests a porn site

If for some reason you’re incapable of deleting your history, or if you’ve simply forgotten, chances are your browser is going to be minefield of bizarre and boundary-pushing porn preferences.

This is a dangerous game, and if it’s on a work device, your colleagues are going to think you’re an addict (which you are) if they have to use your computer.

Searching for Paypal or Pinterest is a no-go if a colleague is peering over your shoulder, as the suggestions are going to be nothing put ‘porn’, ‘pornography’ and ‘pissing mature lesbians.’

It’s even more worrying considering it’s a desktop computer that you physically can’t take home, so when are you finding the time to look at all of this shit?

4. You watch it just for fun/as an alternative to a film

If you don’t have a Netflix account because you don’t see the point when there’s free porn sites with endless amount of footage to watch instead, you’re 99% addicted to porn, and 100% mental.

Sure, the storylines in porn can be captivating at times, and you can get quite vested in them if the acting is believable, but let’s be honest, Schindler’s List and Pulp Fiction (both of which are on Netflix) are infinitely better watches than anything porn has to offer. If you’d still prefer to watch ‘Schindler’s Fist’ or ‘Pulp Friction’, I’m never, ever coming to your house to watch a movie.

Taking it one step further, if you happen to have a favourite porn video that you put on when you’re down, (like some have a go-to romantic comedy when they’re a bit depressed [mine’s 500 Days Of Summer]) that’s weird, but if you can remember specific bits of dialogue from it (like I can with Anchorman or Austin Powers) you’re past the point of no return.

5. You have a membership to a paid porn site

You do know there’s like a million free porn sites, where you can pretty much watch every porn movie ever made, don’t you?

Becoming a member to a paid porn site is like paying for air – it’s completely redundant, and the only explanation for doing it is that you’ve got an unquenchable addiction to top quality porn that needs to be quelled immediately.

6. Nearly all your socks are crusty and ruined

No self-respecting man has Kleenex tissues in the house – it’s just one of those everyday items that we never bother to purchase – like hand wash, or rubber gloves.

It’s also a massive ball-ache getting out of bed and going to the toilet, so the logical thing to do when you’ve masturbated is to reach down into your sock drawer, and wipe away the warm goo with one, very unlucky sock.

A lot of guys will just have one sock that they use, but if your addiction is so aggressive that you’ve exhausted your whole drawer, and almost every single one of your socks has solidified into a rock hard tube that you could beat someone to death with, it’s time to stop the wanking for a bit (and probably invest in some new socks).

7. You never wank without porn

It goes without saying that if you can’t remember the last time you knocked one out without using visual aids (in the form of porn) you’re becoming dangerously lazy and on a slippery slope to PD.

PD, for those of you who don’t know (which should be all of you, because I’ve just made it up now) is ‘porn dependency’ and it affects (*fake stat alert*) 90% of all males between 18 – 24.

Try and masturbate using your imagination alone – if it’s more difficult than you expected, or worse case scenario, it doesn’t work – you need to go cold turkey on the ol’ porno.

8. You know all the actresses by name and even follow them on social media

I’d say that it’s acceptable to be aware of a few of the real big hitters of porn, the Lisa Ann’s of the world and such, but where I draw the line between recreation and addiction is when you know the name of a large proportion of them.

I’m terrible with names, and faces – I don’t even know the name of everyone in this office – and there’s only about 30 of us. Knowing porn actresses individually indicates that you’ve spent a good while getting to know them, enough for you to remember their name at least, which is too long.

Following them on social media is bordering on obsessive; no rational person should give a fuck about what a porn star is doing on their days off. I simply want to watch you have sex and then forget all about you.

Also if you’re tweeting at them or trying to direct message them, just stop it, ok. Stop it, right now.

9. You know deep down you’ve got a porn addiction

Yep, that’s when you know you’ve got a porn addiction. Still, acceptance is the first step on the road to recovery…

Images via GIPHY/iStock

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