If Your City Was A Bar Of Chocolate This Is What It Would Be
Do you love cities of the UK? Are you a massive chocoholic? If so, then you’ve probably stumbled across the best article of all time.
(If not, don’t stop reading because it’s still a mildly entertaining read.)
Whilst most inside-box-thinkers would enjoy these two entities separately, I am nothing if not a convention breaker, so I’ve ingeniously combined both of them in order to answer the question ‘what chocolate bar would your city be?’
It won’t be a question any sane person has ever pondered before, but now that I’ve spent the time on it, the least you could do is have a read of it. Thanks in advance.
Cardiff – Bounty
Foreign and an acquired taste, people from Cardiff love the place, and people that enjoy Bounty’s can’t get enough of them. For everyone else, they’re both well shit.
Liverpool – Flake
Scousers love Flake(s)(that’s a drug reference by the way).
Leicester – Boost
Nobody took any notice of it until recently when they won the Premier League and unearthed the remains of Richard III. Like Leicester, the Boost has experienced overnight superstardom, largely down to its dangerously healthy levels of glucose and everyone’s sudden obsession with being fit.
After years in the wilderness, the word’s eye turns to Leicester/Boosts.
Glasgow – Yorkie
Not for girls.
Preston – Yorkie Raisin and Biscuit
Not for anyone.
Sunderland – Turkish Delight
1% of the population enjoy it.
Newcastle – Aero Mint
It always seems like a good idea at the time, but after a while you regret your decision and wish you’d just saved yourself the hassle and stayed at home. Like an Aero Mint, you will get offered bubble in Newcastle.
It also leaves an awful taste in your mouth afterwards.
Stoke-on-Trent – Topic
Only enjoyable if you’re over 65.
Bristol – Caramac
Thinks it’s cooler than it actually is, but still fancies itself as a bit of a hipster. Those that enjoy them defend them vehemently, much to the bemusement of everyone else.
Pretty sickly and after a while you realise that substance beats style, and you’d rather just be in London.
Hull – Bournville
Wouldn’t wish it on your worst enemy.
Manchester – Mars
The working class chocolate bar for a working class city. Dependable, reliable, and never one to let you down, they are both impossible to hate.
If you want to feel satisfied and content afterwards, go to Manchester, eat a Mars bar.
Leeds – KitKat Chunky
A real up and comer, slightly edgier than a normal Kit Kat, but will never, ever be a Mars (Manchester).
Edinburgh – Creme Egg.
On the surface it’s beautiful and unique, but once you delve a little deeper, it’s actually filled with a load of shite.
Toblerone – Durham
Too fancy for its own good, both have a disgusting amount of self-entitlement. No chocolate should be triangular, and no city that wants to be taken seriously should be that far north.
Needs to get over itself – Lindt and Oxford are far superior.
Brighton – Curly Wurly
Wacky, zany and unapologetically proud of what it is, the Curly Wurly is above all else, a lot of fun.
You wouldn’t brag about having one – and it’s not the manliest of chocolates – but that’s part of the appeal. It doesn’t take itself seriously, which is a respectable quality if ever there was one.
Bournemouth – Fudge
Short term fun when you’re skint.
Sheffield – Picnic
Tries too hard to be something it’s not, and in the end it’s just an amalgamation of everything that people don’t want.
Only go for it as an absolute last resort when you’ve missed the last train to Manchester or Leeds.
York – Fry’s Chocolate Cream
Sophisticated, steeped in history and a tad underappreciated, both are well past their glory days.
Not the first thing that pops into your mind when you think of a good time, but mildly satisfying for those of a certain taste nonetheless.
London – Dairy Milk
The purple wrapper is quintessentially British, and what could be more British than the city of London.
Universally adored, people the world over enjoy everything that it has to offer.
Not appreciated enough by the people who live here but it has a nostalgic quality to it that can’t be denied; everyone remembers the first time they came to London, and Dairy Milk is the taste of your childhood.
Lancaster – Crunchie
Not much to it yet it still manages to piss you off.
You have one for the first time in ages and realise why you haven’t touched one in so long.
Belfast – Freddo
Shit loads of fun, full of its own self importance, and guaranteed to set you back a small fortune.
Birmingham – Twix
Is it a biscuit, is it a bar? Nobody has a fucking clue.
Like a Twix, Birmingham doesn’t know what it wants to be; is it in the South, is it in the North? Please, somebody just make a decision and tell us.
Once you get past that, it’s actually pretty enjoyable.
Nottingham – Twirl
Might not be the fanciest, or the flashiest, but it’s criminally underrated. Unfortunately forever in the shadow of bigger and better cities, it’s a crying shame it doesn’t get the plaudits it deserves.
Probably not your first or second choice, but a bloody good third choice nonetheless.
Can you think of any others? Let us know in the comments below!
Images via iStock/Cadbury/Toblerone/Fry’s/Nestle/Mars