You Can Now Use A Dick Pic As Your New Password - Because Why Not?
Back in the fifties, or even after that, they probably hoped that the future would be much more than what it is today. They probably imagined flying cars and teleportation or YouTube music videos that continue playing even after you close the app on your mobile phone. But no. What did 2017 present us instead? Dick pics. More specifically, dick pics that can now be used as passwords.
Oh, humanity. These are your finest moments.
A webcam platform by the name of CamSoda is introducing the ground-breaking form of identification using a clever new software called PPRT. And, no, that doesn’t stand for Please, Please Retweet – Ta! or something along those lines. PPRT stands for Proprietary Penis Recognition Technology , and this is what will be used to identify your penis as – well – your actual penis.
So here’s how it works: Obviously, for CamSoda to know what your dick looks like, you’ll need to upload an establishing shot of your dick. Then, next time that you log into their website, all you have to do is upload another image of your package and their technology will match your current penis to the one you previously uploaded. Sounds simple enough.
Because CamSoda love to play with words (among other things), they’ve named the whole thing ‘Dick-O-Metrics‘ (sticking O-Metrics at the end of a word doesn’t make it any more scientific, guys) and, according to their VP, Darren Press, your dick pic will be known as your ‘penis print’ – like a finger print, but not a finger print, because it’s your actual dick:
“Like a fingerprint and an eyeball, which are two of most commonly used body parts in biometric technologies, the penis has many, many differentiating factors like size, color, and vein protrusion. However, unlike fingerprints and eyeballs, penises are not exposed to the public a lot of the time and mostly kept under clothing and shared with loved ones – presumably who are trusted.”
The company has said that an erect penis is preferred for the photo, which means that you’re going to need to find a way to lengthen your bits before gaining entry into the website that you would usually use to – um – lengthen your bits. Doesn’t that kinda defeat the purpose?
Also, what about the girls? CamSoda says there are “plans to develop similar technology for women” but figuring that out might be a bit more fiddly than it was for the guys.
Nonetheless, we’re sure that this is a step in the right direction for science. Today it’s Dick Pic software but, who knows? One day it might be Dick-lengthening technology.
Now that’s one way to cater to everyone.
Let us know what you think in the comments!
Images via CamSoda/Giphy/ABC