Six Steps To Be The Perfect Gentleman On A Date
Dating is something we all have to do or have had to do at some point in our lives in order to not die alone. It’s a fairly morbid thought but, let’s be honest, that is pretty much the only reason we do it.
The thing is, if anything’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well. With that in mind, you may as well learn how to date properly, else you could be willing along a early demise.
So here’s how to be the perfect gentleman on a date, in order to find the girl that won’t make you go “Oh fucking hell why can’t I just die? I write ‘ironic’ articles as a mask for my pain but this broad is pushing me over the edge, yo”.
1. Compliment her body
Everyone knows that girls are insecure about their bodies and need you, the man, to make her feel better about herself. With that in mind, you need to compliment her body like your life depended on it.
Tell her that she has an “arse that just won’t quit” and that her “tits are so perfectly round and just the right shape”. They lap it up, I’m telling you.
That being said, they might pretend that they’re not into it but in reality they’re just waiting for you to undress them.
2. Order for her
A gentleman will never let a woman do hard work for herself. Now you may be thinking “what’s so hard about being on a date?” Oh, I don’t know… ordering food!?”
There’s so many choices that she might put a foot wrong, you know? The gentlemanly thing to do is to ask her what she’s having, make her think that she has to go through the hassle of ordering and, when the waiter comes, say “I’ll have the fois gras to start and then the steak. Rare. She’ll have the mixed salad followed by the portobello parmesan. Get me a beer and the house red for her.”
She’ll love it.
3. Do NOT ask questions
A “normal person who’s met people and has had functioning relationships” will tell you to ask questions and be genuinely interested in your date’s life. I’m here against your will to tell you that this is UTTER NONSENSE. It’s shit. That’s just the truth, whether you like it or not.
Talk about yourself. It’s impressive and you’re probably way more interesting. If they start talking about themselves, interrupt them and bring it back onto you. Say, for example, your date says that they’re going to Spain next weekend, butt in with “Spain? Yeah I’ve done all that. Doesn’t really compare to hiking along the foothills of the Himalayas, though. How’s the salad, babe?”
Gentlemen are interesting. Be interesting, not interested.
4. Beat up any other love rival
Here’s a word to the wise; I was once on a date with a lovely girl who was getting a lot of attention from this one particular man who kept hanging around our table. Eventually I had enough of his perverted ways and punched him in the gut, before smashing his head into the table.
“I’m a waiter!” he shouted. “Yeah? Well I’m a doer,” I said with my foot on his neck. That’s when I was kicked out. I could see from my date’s face that she was completely hot for me, but we didn’t see each other again. She wasn’t chill enough.
5. Steal her purse
Assuming your date stuck around after the last point (because why wouldn’t they) and you don’t get kicked out, you’re going to have to pay for the food. Now, it may be “progressive” for the girl to pay equally or even pay altogether, but it’s apparently also “progressive” to not vaccinate your children.
So what do you do? You steal her purse. It’s the clear-cut way to make sure that you have to pay – unless she has Apple Pay or whatever the Android equivalent is (in which case you also steal her phone).
She becomes a damsel in distress and you become her saviour, you gentlemanly gentleman, you.
6. Make sensational love to her
You’ve treated her to a beautiful meal and wonderful company, you’ve returned her possessions so she thinks that you found them and falls for you even more, it’s only right that you take her home (or back to her place) and service her in no way that any other man could.
You want to do all of the twists and turns, all of the positions. There’s missionary, there’s the other one, and then there’s all of the wild places (above the sheets, below the sheets, etc…) DON’T FORGET TO MOAN REALLY LOUD. THEY LOVE IT, BABY!
Listen, if none of this works, maybe you’re just ugly.
Images via MGM, iStock