Sex Therapists Reveal The One Thing You Can Do To Improve Your Performance
In popular culture, it’s kind of difficult to escape from sex.
It’s all over TV, there’s countless songs about it, and you’d be lucky to hear a mention of anything – and we mean anything – else during a humble game of Never Have I Ever.
That puts a lot of pressure on us, as we’re all worrying if we’re doing it right, if we’re doing it enough, and if we’re any good at it.
Well, sex therapists Mike Lousada and Louise Mazanti want us to stop feeling so concerned about it. They want to change the way we think about sex, and have one vital piece of advice for anyone looking to improve their performance. Instead of perceiving it as a “goal-oriented” process, apparently we should be treating it as “pleasure oriented.”
“When we’re in performance and trying to achieve either an orgasm or the latest fancy sex kink we judge the experience and lose connection with each other. Sex becomes hollow and objectifying for both parties. It’s a sure recipe to feel a failure.
Seeing it as pleasure-orientated broadens the possibility for sexual pleasure hugely. When we let go of the focus on reaching genital orgasm, we create space for more intimacy, deeper, longer arousal, and thus more actual, whole body pleasure. And eventually whole body orgasms.”
We think that that means you should try and enjoy the journey more, and not just focus on the final destination. So to speak…
Stop worrying, and just enjoy the ride…
Mike and Louise also argued that we shouldn’t be ashamed of our “fetishes and proclivities.” Society might have made us all shy about our “unusual” sex preferences (like voyeurism, foot fetishes or BDSM), but they’re apparently much more common than you might think. And – provided that everyone’s having fun – there’s no shame in indulging:
“We define ‘healthy sex’ when the sexual activity is between consenting adults and it’s a respectful subject to subject relationship, meaning no one is objectified, other than part of the game.”
Porn is also apparently fine (which we’re sure is going to come as a relief to a lot of people), at least when it “stimulates us, makes us feel alive in our body, when it stirs our fantasy and expands our sexual repertoire.”
It’s when people start trying to replicate it that it becomes a problem. Mazanti explains:
“If you start needing to replicate pornographic scenarios and believe that this is how sex should look like, if you need to go into porn fantasy when being with a partner, if the use of porn feels like a compulsory behaviour that impacts your ability to prioritise other things, your relationship with it is likely be to unhealthy.”
So use porn to figure out what you like (and to get ideas), but don’t start thinking that that’s what real world sex looks like. And don’t depend on it…
This comes after a recent study revealed that the average British person will have sex 5,778 times in their lifetime. That’s the equivalent of 2,808 hours, or 117 days.
While 3% of people reckon that they get down and dirty on a daily basis, the average heterosexual man does it 63 times a year, and the average heterosexual women does it 55 times.
Sexologists (because apparently yes, that is a job) reckon that if you’re in a relationship, you should be doing it on a weekly basis to keep things intimate. Couples who do it less than that apparently report lower levels of happiness than those consistently getting down.
But then obviously, the most important thing is quality, not quantity. If asked “would you rather have shit sex every day for a year, or mind-blowing, can’t-walk-for-a-week sex once a month”, the majority of people would probably opt for the latter.
As Michael Aaron told Insider:
“I think focusing on frequency is detrimental since it adds unnecessary pressure. Most important is that both people get the kind of sex they want.”
So there you go. Stop focusing on having an orgasm, and learn to enjoy the process, let your freak flag fly with your sexual fantasies and fetishes (as long as your partner is into it too) and enjoy porn, just don’t depend on it.
No go forth and enjoy yourselves.
Images via iStock
H/T The Independent