Seven Reasons Why You’re Still Not Over Your Ex
So you’re single. It’s weird, isn’t it? You probably noticed things weren’t going great but never thought it was going to come to this. You were perfect for each other… you were probably going to get married at some point.
But no, she’s gone now and you’re at a loose end. You knew that it would take a while to get over her and was totally prepared for a hard month or so but, man, the yearning for this one really isn’t subsiding.
There has to be a reason for this, doesn’t there?
Wrong. There’s seven.
You will never do any better
It’s time to face the facts there, big guy, you’re probably a six or a seven at a push on a good day. Sure, now that you’re single you’ve joined a gym and you’re going to “get fit and have a good body” finally but, honestly, you won’t keep it up.
Meanwhile, your ex is looking better than ever, they’re trying something new with their hair and they’ve got one of those dispositions where they don’t need to eat well or go to the gym – they’re just perpetually slender and lovely somehow.
They’re also super funny! They got you, you know? People didn’t see that bit but, trust you me, it was there. Now you’re trying to hit it off with a girl on Tinder and they totally don’t get your humour like Beth did. You’re making ironic jokes but they’re struggling to see the sarcasm over text… Beth never had a problem with that.
Also your hair only does the right thing like one day in every two weeks.
They actually let you have sex with them
Not only did they oblige when your animal nature got the better of you, but they seemed happy to partake! They made the right noises and everything and even took charge every now and then. That was nice, wasn’t it?
These days if you’re having sex – you’re definitely not but let’s suspend our disbelief for just a minute – it just seems like a ‘let’s just get it out of the way’ kind of scenario. Sure, you enjoy it while it’s happening and sometimes when she’s not just looking around your room whilst she’s on her hands and knees, just having a casual little peek at everything as if sex is such a non-thing for her, she almost smiles or something – but something’s way off.
Once you finish, you just want to be out of her company. If there was a bed on top of Everest, you’d take that sooner than getting back into bed with this new girl (who seems perfectly lovely, by the way (just not Beth)) after lazily cleaning yourself off in the sink.
Spooning’s out of the question too.
You didn’t have to go out
The truth of the matter is that people do not like going out. That’s why everyone takes so many drugs and drink so much alcohol when they go to clubs or festivals – they all know that you simply can’t have fun if you’re doing everything 100% consciously.
And why do people go out? To enjoy the vibes? No. To see their friends? Also no, they can see their friends anywhere. People go out to meet future lovers or just have a quick shag. When you were with Beth, you had no need to subject yourself to this.
You might go to a beer garden in a pub every now and then with your friends but that’s it really. Other than that, you’d just chill out at one of your homes every night; watch some TV, cuddle, have some food; it was nice and you didn’t have to put up with queues, expensive drinks, other people or fucking house music.
The only good pictures you have of yourself are with them
You don’t take pictures when you’re going out, do you? No of course not, why would you? You were there when it happened, why would you need further proof of that with an awkward shot of you in front of a fountain or whatever?
The real reason, though, is that you never knew what a good picture was. Before Beth, your Facebook profile picture was the same one that you’d had for three years of your friends and you at a pre-drinks in Bath. It was fine, sure, but it wasn’t nice. Beth always wanted to take pictures of you two when you were out and somehow she always caught your good side.
Now that it’s over, you can’t keep your most recent profile picture of you two around a campfire anymore, can you? That would be a bit weird. But all of the pictures that have been taken of you in the last year or so were either taken with Beth or by Beth. You could use the ones that she took and isn’t in but that seems slightly underhand.
So you have the choice, use the old one of you at pre-drinks, a reminder that, before her, you were a generic loser who got drunk at his friend’s house on K Cider because club drinks were too expensive, or use one of the new ones, reminding you of her full on. Hard decision.
All of your friends are doing better than you in that department
When you got together with Beth officially, having a serious relationship in your friends group was quite the novelty. They all made fun of you at first for being whipped or under the thumb but eventually they warmed to her (why wouldn’t they? She’s great) and then started catching up.
Before you knew it, all of your friends were in serious relationships and you all felt like a group of well-rounded adults with good social lives and a lot of love. Beth’s gone now and you’re the single one.
After consoling you for, what, a week? Your friends are back to taking the piss out of you for literally the opposite reason to what they were using before. You’re the “bachelor” of the group and there’s probably a joke about you turning up drunk at one of their family dinners in a few years’ time and everyone going “Hey, that’s Alfie!” like you’re a reckless yet charming sitcom character.
Life’s not Seinfield and landing on your feet is the polar opposite to what you’re doing right now. You’ve landed badly on your head and your “friends” are all too busy to help with an octuple date or something.
Either that or…
Your friends trying to set you up with their SO’s friends is a fucking nightmare
It only takes about two weeks after a break up for your friends to tell you to get back on the horse in the ol’ dating department. In the back of your mind, you know that they’re probably right but, to be honest, you’re not ready yet. There’s no shame in that but your friends are not taking no for an answer.
Lo and behold, their significant other (whom you probably set them up with) has “the perfect girl for you”. “She’s a lot like Beth so you’re sure to like her!” Something like Beth is the last thing you need right now – you want either Beth back, Daisy Ridley or death.
But back to you friend’s girlfriend’s friend, they’re never the right one for you. With the best will in the world, Beth was gorgeous and a friend’s girlfriend’s friends never are (this work both ways). Oh no but John’s girlfriend say that “she’s so nice… and really pretty”. She’s not. Far too much emphasis on ‘nice’ for that to be true.
But you don’t want to be rude so you end up going on a date with the blandest person ever. Don’t get too above your station though, they probably thought the same.
They moved on to someone better than you in every way
It’s been a while now since Beth left. Maybe it’s time to lift the social media blocking and act like an adult?
WHO THE FUCK IS STEVEN?! He’s fucking beautiful, he’s in all of her pictures and they keep tagging each other in shit… Maybe he’s gay? He’s not gay.
It’s what you feared, Beth’s moved on to the archetypal man that she always deserved and you thought you were doing well today because you got three Tinder matches in the last week and only one of them was a bot.
Upon further investigation you’ve seen that they’ve been hanging out for a while now. Were they talking since before Beth ended things? That would be too much to handle, surely?
Well that’s that, then, isn’t it? You’re destined to live the life of a hermit. It’s a shame, really…
On a positive note though, being content in a relationship tricks you into thinking you’re content with every other aspect of your life. Regular sex and cuddling in front of a TV has that kind of power.
Romantic happiness clouds your ambition. Think of the things you could achieve without that… and then find love. God knows you need it.
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