How To Guarantee You're The Coolest Guy At Any Festival This Summer
Festival season is well and truly underway, which worries us a little.
Sure, all the great music, food, weather and general vibes are really enjoyable – but all of this is outweighed by how daunting the occasion is – because everyone knows that festivals are less a place of fun and enjoyment, and more a place to show off and be seen at.
With that in mind, I have the ultimate guide to looking super-cool at festivals this summer – just adhere to these tips as strictly as possible and trust me with every fibre of your being. You’re about to go from square to hip in thirteen simple steps…
1. Master the art of shuffling
The first step to looking cool as fuck at any festival this summer comes way before the actual event. Most uncool people will be happy to stand around in a group, two-stepping and casually swaying whilst throwing out the occasional fist pump, but not you – which is why you’ll be the talk of the festival and not them. Everyone knows that dancing is all about impressing, rather than expressing, so enthusiastically cutting shapes and showing off your moves is a sure-fire way to catch people’s attention. If you can choreograph a detailed routine with all your mates beforehand, that’s only going to make you all look cooler.
2. Buy the perfect outfit
If you’re going to a festival, it goes without saying that you’ve got to look the part – but in a crowd of that many people, you’re going to have to ‘peacock’ in order to set yourself apart from everyone else. The only way to achieve that is to first, get the skimpiest vest you can find – preferably one that’s a bright neon colour and has some reference to your ‘guns’ on it.
Once you’ve got that, you’re going to need a man-bag to give you that truly unique festival look – but be careful – it has to be as small and pointless as possible. As long as you can fit all the essentials in – chewing gum, fags, condoms, pills, coke – you’ll be fine, and should find that you’ve managed to balance practicality with the absolute height of men’s fashion.
Next, you’re going to need a pair of really brightly-coloured fake Ray Bans – because let’s face it – they look identical to the real things, and finally, to complete the outfit, purchase the waviest bucket hat you can find (think Kevin and Perry Go Large). Voila, you’re ready to go. (Alternatively, if this look just isn’t you, a morphsuit will have exactly the same desired effect.)
3. Snapchat/Instagram EVERYTHING
Snapchat/Instagram stories were literally made for festivals – how else would you let everyone know where you are and how much fun you’re having? If anything, you’re doing your followers a favour by allowing them to see ALL the action for free – plus – the sound quality and camerawork is always of such a high standard that it’s basically like they’re right there with you. Also, everyone knows that watching something through your phone is way better/cooler than watching something in real life, and if you record just about everything, you’ll have an endless amount of videos to show off to your friends once you’re back at home. Genius.
4. Talk constantly about the life-changing week you spent in Ibiza
Very few people have had the privilege of going to Ibiza (for those of you who haven’t heard of it, it’s basically a really exclusive, untouched, heaven-on-Earth type place just off the east-coast of Spain). For you, it wasn’t just a holiday, it was a spiritual, life-affirming experience, where you truly found yourself. It’s incredible how travelling to a place just 2.5 hours away can open up your mind so much and completely change your outlook on life. You returned home a more cultured and worldly individual.
The stories you have to tell will be the stuff of legend, and your experiences will have festival-goers eating out the palm of your hands, wishing they might one day be fortunate enough to make the pilgrimage to the White Isle. Sharing these incredible experiences at a festival will make you cooler than the other side of the pillow.
5. Bemoan everyone that didn’t like the artist when they were ‘underground’
God, don’t you just hate people jumping on the bandwagon – where were all these people at the beginning, before all the glitz and glamour? Who knows – but the important thing is that you were there – scrawling through Soundcloud and YouTube and attending intimate gigs to support the artist when they were properly underground. There’s simply no way these bandwagons could, or even should, be allowed to enjoy an artist that you’ve been aware of for all this time. It’s an insult. You can, however, turn this little annoyance in your favour, by letting people know that you’ve been supporting since day one, which will immediately show people that you’re a trendsetter, and at the forefront of everything cool. Way to turn a negative into a positive, big guy.
6. Tell everyone about how house music saved you from the brink
You’ve been through a lot, and nobody will know the kind of dark places you were in until you discovered true house music. If you know house music, then you know – but for those that aren’t part of this exclusive club, it’s up to you to spread the word about how it does something deep inside your soul. House music is without doubt the coolest genre of music, and you need to let everyone know how engrossed in the scene you are. Those Radio 1 Essential Mixes and Boiler Room live sets saved you when you were at your lowest ebb, and for that, you are eternally grateful to house music. Like a disciple doing the Lord’s work, it’s up to you to pass on the message to other festival goers about how amazing house music is, so that they can accept it into their lives and hearts like you have.
7. Profess your love for MDMA and ketamine
Barely anyone there will have even heard of these two things, so it’s your job to educate them and let them know what they’re missing out on. Constantly yelling “I’m fucked, me” or “I’m well ketty” should let people know how off your face you are, and they’ll be green with envy that they haven’t got the bottle to dabble in such potent narcotics like you have. It takes a special kind of person to take drugs, and everyone knows that doing them is the pinnacle of coolness. It’s also a scientific fact that the more drugged up you are, the cooler you look, and people will always gravitate towards the super-fucked up, cool guy in the corner, so bear that in mind too.
8. Piss in a cup and throw it forward
This doesn’t need much explaining. Funny=cool, and doing this is highly original and extremely funny. It’s the work of festival legends, and it’s sure to get people’s attention and have them in stitches at how mental you are.
9. Make a police siren noise/shout ‘oi oi’ when you approve of a song
Making the sound of a wailing police siren is a great way of making a crowd aware that you know your shit. Most people can appreciate a good song by simply smiling, or saying ‘that was good’, but you are way too cool for that. The siren, when executed at exactly the right time, lets people around you know that you can appreciate and recognise a memorable moment from a mile off, and that when it comes to festivals, you’ve seen and done it all before. Throwing out an ‘oi oi’ will also work in a similar fashion, as it’s an indication and acknowledgement that something really cool just happened, which’ll demonstrate what a seasoned festival goer you are.
10. Take your skimpy vest off and roll around in loads of mud
The vest has served a purpose, but you haven’t been busting a nut at your local gym for the last 6 months, smashing the whey protein, and hammering the sun beds for absolutely nothing. You’re definitely the most ripped/chiselled guy in there, and everyone wants to see your body, so it’d be a crime not to take your top off. Once your bod really starts attracting attention, crank it up a notch by rolling around in the small mud swamp that’s just emerged outside the portaloos. Everyone loves that guy – he usually gets more of a cheer than any of the artists – and remember that the more elaborate your dives and jumps are, the cooler you’re likely to look, so get creative. Going around hugging random people afterwards is also a really good idea too.
11. Climb onto some part of the tent
You’ve been outside for some time now, and it’s getting late, so you decide to head into one of the giant tents to mark your territory and establish your coolness there. These can be tough places to look good, but there’s one way to guarantee people will be talking about you – for all the right reasons – and that’s to climb up on some part of the scaffolding/tent and wait for the inevitable cheers and applause. Not everyone has the balls to do something like this, and the crowd will be loving you for your efforts; just don’t listen to the people telling you you’ll get booed and that everyone will throw loads of shit at you, because they definitely won’t.
12. Have really loud sex on the campsite and keep everyone up all night
If you’ve followed these steps carefully, you’ll be heading back to the campsite with a stone-cold stunner. Once you’re back and everybody has crashed out, it’s your job (being the relentlessly cool one) to keep the party going – nobody goes to a festival to sleep – there’s enough time to do that when you’re dead. Having incredibly loud sex will make everyone jealous and cement your status as the coolest cucumber around. But even when that’s done you should continue to play really loud music, talk all night, and refuse to let anyone have a few hours sleep after a hectic day – they’ll thank you afterwards for encouraging them to make the most of their weekend.
13. Repeat again on second day.
If you’ve stuck to these simple steps, like I’ve outlined, you’re well on your way to being the creme de la creme of cool. For day two, all that’s left to do is repeat everything all over again, but with more energy and more commitment. If you manage to do so, there’s absolutely no doubt you’ll be the coolest guy at the festival, and a source of jealousy for thousands of envious onlookers.
Can you think of any ways to make yourself cooler at a festival? Let us know in the comments below!
Images via GIPHY/iStock