20 Of The Most F**ked Up Sexual Fetishes You'd Prefer Not To Know About
I’m a very open person when it comes to sex, and there are very few things I wouldn’t be up for trying in the bedroom.
Or at least so I thought until I read about these fetishes.
Honestly, if you thought cracking out the whip, licking a bit of nutella off your lover and then letting them call you ‘dadda’ was kinky, you’re about to be seriously out-raunched.
So, if you’re just intrigued, or you’re looking to spice up your sex life a bit (loads), take a look at these weird and not-so-wonderful sexual fantasies…
These blokes dig big women, and I’m not talking about a few inches bigger- I mean fricking giants. Think of a beardless, female-Hagrid, and then add on another couple of 100 feet and you get the idea. For macrophiliacs, living out their fantasies can be tough – you know, because giants aren’t real – so they have to turn to that handy little invention known as the internet to fantasise over their dream giantesses.
There’s a pretty famous idiom about people who are agitated and can’t seem to keep still – ‘ants in your pants.’ For formicophiliacs, that would probably be the ultimate, because these people cant get enough of being crawled upon or nibbled on by insects, ants, and other small creatures for their sexual pleasure. One particularly gruesome case reported that one man masturbated whilst being covered in cockroaches, ants and snails whilst also holding a frog close to his penis. Sounds like a really warped version of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.
Dendrophilia is having all the (literal) feels for nature’s finest, which includes all the hottest trees/plants/bushes. Going to pick a Christmas tree out for these people must be like walking into the Playboy mansion for most men. Don’t believe this is a real fetish? Well, one 21-year-old Scottish chap named William Shaw was banned for life from a Scottish park for trying to have sex with a tree. Imagine the splinters…
We’ve reached a point in human history where sex robots are an actual thing, so you don’t even need a real human girl to have it off these days. About damn time too, there’s only so much rejection a man can take. But maybe you’ve just become fed-up with your average day human, so agalmatophilia (where you’re sexually attracted to dolls, statues, mannequins etc.) might be for you. Japan have cashed right in on all you agalmatophiliacs out there and developed Roxxxy – a 5’7, busty sex robot who could be all yours for just $7,000.
At least a sex robot isn’t going to complain about you forgetting your anniversary are they…
Dacryphilia is where someone is obsessed with their partner crying, or being in some kind of emotional distress. Dacryphiliacs would love some of the girls I’ve been out with before, they always used to cry at how unhappy I made them. Mostly, the fetish involves verbally or physically abusing a partner until you get off, which I’ve definitely never done. I’ve wanked and cried at the same time before though – not because it turned me on – the crying was a result of me sinking to a desperate new low.
6. Diaper Festishism
At no point in my life, particularly when I’m turned on, have I thought ‘You know what, I’d really love to be wearing a giant nappy right now,’ buy hey- who am I to judge? Diaper fetishism is often linked to people dressing up as adult babies for sexual gratification, and is a fetish that enthusiasts pursue as a form of humiliation which turns them on. I don’t need to wear a giant diaper to humiliate myself, simply taking off my clothes usually does that job.
Finally, a fetish I can get on board with. Feederism is basically getting aroused from helping people put on weight and get fat. Surely this is what most relationships descend into anyway when you both become so comfortable with one another and get so far past the point of caring, you start to shovel takeaway food down each other’s gullets on a regular basis. I do have to admit- eating whilst having an orgasm sounds like a part of Pleasure Town I ain’t never been to before, but would definitely like to visit.
Some people are reluctant to leave their childhoods behind. And by childhoods, I mean baby-hood. Oh, and by baby-hood, I mean breastfeeding. Yes, apparently breast milk is now sexy and some fellas are even paying pretty big bucks for some of that sweet, motherly elixir. Bitty now…
I’m…r-r-really…t-t-turned…on…r-r-right…n-n-now. If you’re wondering why I said it like that it’s because apparently stuttering makes certain people hot under the collar, which is great news for people with stutters. It also means that Porky Pig from the Looney Tunes might actually be someone’s ideal man.
I was always wary of blokes that loved cars so much because they just never really interested me. But now I’m going to be even more cautious, because mechanophiliacs love them so much they want to have sex with them. You can almost imagine a mechanophile going to buy a porn mag and coming out with the latest issue of Autotrader. ‘ ‘Corr, look at the wheels on her, the tease’.
Calling all bloodhounds, as they are fondly known. If you love getting down when you’re on your period, or you’re a man who digs the extra lubrication, menophilia’s definitely your game. I imagine most people would be out of the door before you could say ‘tampon’, but others clearly enjoy a certain time of the month more than others.
Creepy beyond believe, coulrophilia is a paraphilia involving sexual attraction to clowns/jesters. I can’t really put into words my loathing for clowns, but this fetish would be particularly weird for me given that my dad used to dress up as a clown for my birthday parties. I suppose though it really does depend on the individual – Ronald McDonald, I think I’ll pass, but Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn, now we’re talking.
I swear I’m not making this up, but climacophilia is the arousal to falling down the stairs. There’s really not much more I can say about this, and I don’t know whether it’s the person falling down the stairs that gets turned on or somebody watching. I’m just going to take the lift to be on the safe side…
These people have fantasies about watching people freeze. Were you disappointed that the film Frozen wasn’t more adult? Is Frosty The Snowman your ideal bloke? Would you prefers to have the ‘colds’ for someone than the ‘hots’? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re probably a psychrophiliac.
This probably isn’t a surprise. Come on, don’t kid yourself, we’ve all seen that video of those girls doing unspeakable acts to that poor octopus, it was all the rage when I was in high school. I suppose a tentacle is somewhat phallic in respects, but I’m not sure how good having a boyfriend with tentacles would be. Suppose he could hold all your bags for you?
Another fetish that ranks quite high on the bizarre scale, eproctophilia is being sexually aroused by farting. In recent times eproctophilia has been taken to dizzy new heights by the introduction of something known as ‘cake farts’, which unsurprisingly involves females passing gas on various cakes. There’s even a whole website dedicated to it and everything (no, I’m not giving you the link, if you want to see it that badly you can find it for yourself)
This is getting fucking ridiculous now. Quicksand? Really? Dammit what the hell is wrong with people?! But yeah, apparently a whole wave of old Hollywood films that saw women stuck in quicksand started a whole wave of quicksand lovers that want nothing more than to see the sight of fully clothed women sinking to the point of being fully submerged. God, doesn’t that just turn you on.
Obviously there is absolutely nothing wrong with being attracted to someone who has lost a limb. But what is weird is being attracted to the idea of losing your own limbs. Yep, you read right. Some people just get freakin’ jacked up by the mental image of someone chopping off their legs. A couple of episodes of Walking Dead must be the equivalent of PornHub for these amputee wannabes.
You know what really winds me up on hot, summer days? All those sexy bees and wasps just buzzing around being sexy and getting me all sexed up. I am, of course, joking, but apparently these little critters just do it for some people. Some people even catch them with the intention of getting them to sting their genitals because they believe it’ll increase swelling and hypersensitivity, which will help the intensity and duration of their orgasms.
Ok so we’ve covered blood, farts, and quicksand, but poor old vomit hasn’t even had a look in. Apparently called a ‘Roman shower’ emetophilia enthusiasts enjoy the process of chundering on or being chundered on during hanky panky. At this point I’m majorly grossed out and I never want to have sex again. No, wait I take that back.
Do you know of any other weird sexual fetishes? Let us know in the comments below!
Images via iSTock