Here's Why We Should All Stop Having Sex


There’s a lot said about why sex is a good thing. These so called “people” will tell you that it’s “fun”, it “feels nice” and is “the ultimate sign that two souls have found their counterparts, bonding beautifully and sensually in a dance filled with dopamine and emotion”. I’m here to tell you that those people are 107% wrong!

“Sex” is the plague that will be the end of humanity, bending and twisting our will, making us do ridiculous things in our conquest to achieve horizontal company. No-one has been brave enough to declare war on sex until now. But what is my problem with sex? Well…

1. It’s too risky

Do you know how much bacteria is in the human body?! A lot. I don’t know the facts and figures to heart but you get the point. STDs hide around every corner and they want to kill you.

On top of that, there are about 11,000 mid-sex deaths a year in America alone, including Matthew McConaughey’s dad, and in 2013, a woman was killed by a lion in Zimbabwe whilst shagging. Coincidence?!

… probably. Even so, you don’t want to take that chance.


2. Bringing children into the world is selfish and reckless

Nothing good has happened in the last ten years and if things go on as they are, nothing good will happen for at least another 23 and a half years. Unless you’re really rich, to have a child you need to have sex and, honestly, you should rule that out.

What in this world is worth starting a new life for? You want your little sprog to grow up in the reign of Trump and Putin? To know that its parents probably met on Tinder for a quick shag and then things got out of hand? No, not worth it.


3. No one can do it as good as you

We all know that when it comes to getting off, we do it a lot better to ourselves than anyone else can hope to. No matter who you meet and how good they say they are at performing certain tasks, they’ll always be second best to your hand.

So why not cut out the middle man of pleasure and get to work on yourself if and when you want? You don’t even need to flirt or take yourself out for a date. I’m telling you, wanking is so much cheaper than finding a life partner who cares about you and wants you to feel good.


4. It won’t cloud your judgement

What was the last good decision you made when you were horny? That’s right, you’ve never done the right thing when you were horny. You’ve either sent a nude when you shouldn’t have in the heat of the moment and now it could be anywhere on the internet or in the pursuit of sex, you’ve done something incredibly stupid in order to impress someone.

Basically everything anyone ever does is so they can either have a lot of money or a lot of sex. People do very stupid things so they achieve these things. Cut the sex out of your life and you’ll minimise the chance of you making a tit of yourself. Speaking of tits – yuck, am I right?!


5. It makes other things sound boring

For as long as metaphors and idioms have been part of our language, comparing things to sex by saying “it’s the most fun you can have with your clothes on” has been making certain pastimes look bad.

Yesterday I spent almost the whole day playing Fifa and watching Gravity Falls. I’m not ashamed to say that, other than the crying, I had a really good time. That was comparable to sex in only one way, I was alone. Other than that, rubbish.

Hobbies constantly look bad because they’re made second best to sex by people so cavalierly throwing phrases around to no end. Stop having sex and suddenly go-kartings the most fun you can have regardless of what you’re wearing.


6. It’s making me some losers jealous

I Some weirdos out there don’t get any as much sex as the the rest of you us guys. It’s not fair on people like that when you’re all out there having fun and getting laid whilst we they have to sit around indoors, masturbating and crying, watching old reruns of Frasier on ITV 4.

You know, those people who I’ve definitely not met really don’t enjoy their nights alone. There’s only so much Ben and Jerry’s you can eat before diabetes becomes a serious concern and talking to yourself before it becomes less of a kooky idiosyncrasy and more like genuine schizophrenia.

You lot having sex is just rubbing salt in the wound.


Please stop. For me…

Images via iStock

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