How To Break Up With Someone The Coward's Way

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The other day I wrote an article on how to deal with being broken up with. I sort of thought that I’d be regarded as the people’s hero afterwards. Turns out people think I’m a bigot and a sociopath. But it occurred to me, it’s not my awful writing and horrible advice that was the route to my downfall, it’s my readers – they’re doing the dumping, not the other way round.

Luckily I’m a bloody Casanova and while I know all too well what it’s like to be dumped, I also know a tiny bit about dumping people for literally no reason! I’m not mature enough for a relationship, people! But will I stop hurting people?! No!

Read the advice.

Step 1

Be mean.

To sow the seeds of doubt, you need to be mean. But not in a “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” kind of way, more of a “be a bastard so they stop wanting to be around you” thing. How do you do this? Have no chill whatsoever…

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Step 2

Match with their friends on Tinder.

You going to have to superlike them just to make sure that they don’t miss you and absent mindedly swipe left (as if, right?!). Once you match with them, make it seem like you don’t even know them and that they’re just an object that you want to have sex with.

When they inevitably threaten to tell your significant other, make sure it seems like you care even though you don’t!

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Step 3

“Cheat” on them.

Now that you have them thinking that you might just not like them much, they’re going to start trying harder to win you back. Of course they are – I’m great. But seriously, Skye, stop. I think we’re done here.

So you need to get them to stop all of that nonsense. How? Make them think that you’re cheating on them. Don’t cheat on them in real life, obviously. You’re not a total wanker but, nonetheless, plant the idea in there…

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Step 4

Text them the bad news.

People will tell you that the most honourable thing to do is to see your significant other face to face when you break up with them. THIS IS NOT TRUE! Why would you do that, it would be uncomfortable and no one looks good when they cry. You could do without the hassle.

Be as blunt as possible so there can be no subtext that they might trip over. Don’t even say sorry. That probably implies something, right?

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Step 5

Send subliminal messages.

So by now you’ve sort of implanted a bit of doubt into your soon-to-be ex-significant other’s mind. It’s time for you to kick it up a notch and make thing a little more obvious. Not too obvious, obviously. That would be silly for some reason that’s beyond me.

Whilst some people like to act a bit uneasy in their partner’s company to send the messages or spend less time with them, I like to think I’m more classy. I send break-up songs…

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Step 6

Write an article.

If your significant other is a fan of a page that gets a lot of attention on Facebook, it might be worth getting a job as a writer at that particular page. Once there, you will have to consistently write news articles for a while until you’re ready to write your own original content and then pitch the idea of a “joke” article on how to break up with your girlfriend/boyfriend.

Write the article and then share it on your page. She’s bound to read it and get the message. Seriously, Skye, we’re done.

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Step 7

Get them back.

If you start regretting you decision (and you will), you can always get your ex to take you back. There’s no shame in that. Back in the day I made the mistake of dumping a girl for literally no reason and you know what? I tried to get her back. How did it go? You tell me…

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So there you have it. Absolutely fool-proof.

Follow these tips and you may never have to dump anyone ever again. For some reason, after I did all of this, all of the girls around stop wanting to talk to me. It’s funny really. There’s probably a metaphor for that. Something about buses?

Lead image via iStock

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