Five Totally Banal And Safe For Work Fetishes That Actually Exist

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I don’t have a fetish. I think I suffer for that and it makes me less of a well-rounded and interesting person. Things would be lot more exciting if I was turned on by feet or something but I’m not. In some cases, though, that’s a good thing.

This started when a friend of mine told me that her friend had been propositioned to give a weird, old man piggyback rides for cash. The reasoning behind the request was that piggyback rides were this man’s fetish and the friend in question had been surfing Grindr for fun… apparently.

Now as you know, piggyback rides are synonymous with children and carrying drunk people to taxis and in no way are they sexy. Nonetheless, people are getting off on them and even going as far as offering young men cash to perform them. Odd.

So this got me thinking, what other really banal and innocuous fetishes are there? Well, after a bit of research, I found that the piggyback thing isn’t as uncommon as I thought. Also…

Balloons

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So you’d assume that this is something to do with condoms. They are essentially wet balloons that you wear and put inside people but no. It’s nothing to do with that.

It’s all about slowly inflating them until they pop or even having a load of balloons on the floor whilst you’re naked and rolling around over them, bursting them as you do it. Very erotic, no? No, not really, but try to empathise. Or don’t.

1 out of 5 stars. Not interested one bit.

1

Pedals

So this one seems to be a bit of a sub-genre of your run of the mill foot fetish.

The kind of pedals in question for this particular fetish are those of a car’s brakes, clutch, and accelerator. People seem to derive great joy out of seeing a woman pumping these pedals as hard and frequently as she can and, well, that’s it really.

There’s websites dedicated to this one. Apparently brake-failure is fucking hot.

3 out of 5 stars. But that’s just because I like driving.

3

Mudvids

Mudvids are essentially people rolling around in very deep mud, sometimes submerging themselves completely and having a good time in general. It’s one of the few fetishes that quite literally are dirty and you have to respect it for that.

There’s a huge market for it on YouTube. Some of the comments underneath one of the videos that I watched (which was five minutes long and part one of a three-part series) were very encouraging: “wow, great video” and “nice body,sexy briefs& lovely mud–very hot video“. D’awwww.

2 out of 5 stars. I’m big on hygiene but I once saw a girl wearing wellies at a festival who was slightly muddy who I really fancied. This is reminding me of that, for some reason.

2

Woolies

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This is just as it seems, to be honest. You could go to your local Primark or Target, wonder over to the knitwear aisle and have an absolutely wild time. That being said, that would count as voyeurism and that’s a whole different kettle of fish.

Some people go a bit overboard with this one and, instead of just wearing baggy jumpers and long socks, they make their own gear that covers their whole body.

5 stars from me. I love knitwear. You can never own enough jumpers.

5

Doorknobs

doo

This one’s really bizarre and seems to be localised to Japan. There’s a whole Tumblr page dedicated to the cause and some of them aren’t even doorknobs, they’re handles. That annoys me.

It started as a joke when some guy tweeted saying the prospect of it would probably turn people on. Some people agreed and then others went ahead and took the photos.

3 out of 5. It’s clear why people find this sexy since doorknobs are taking the place of real knobs. As long as they’ve been sanitised then fine.

3

Be safe you there, yeah? If you’re trying the woolly thing, make sure you have the air con on or a window open or something.

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