There Are Eight Different Types Of Penis In The World


So you may remember a few days- to a week ago, I wrote an article on the nine types of boobs in the world. It was very informative, if you don’t mind my saying and there was genuine research involved (on the part of the lingerie company who conducted the test, not me).

Today, we’re sort of flipping the theme as we’re now focusing on the humble penis. There’s eight types of penis, don’t you know and I’m going to be your guide as we explore the possibilities…

1. Banana Shaped


But not yellow

Pretty obvious really and perhaps the most clich√©d, if you don’t mind my saying. This one typically has a downwards curvature when erect of, usually, no more than 10 degrees. If you suspect yours has a curve greater than 25 degrees, get your protractors out because you need medical attention.

2. Hammer Shaped


Hopefully without the prongs

So I’m not sure why they used a hammer to represent this form of the penis. As you might expect, with the hammer penis, the shaft is fairly thin whilst the head is large… giving it a hammer appearance. This can also be found on other penis types, such as the banana or the…

3. C Shaped


Genuinely couldn’t think of a more appropriate picture

This is when your penis veers off to the right (there seems to be no class for when someone has one that goes to the left… perhaps an end of brackets). This can be natural, or it can be caused by accidents.

In some cases, it can even happen when men find themselves having to stow away their penises in an effort to hide their erections. Yeah, apparently doing that can alter you penis shape.

4. Mushroom Shaped


Because every man wants their penis compared to fungus

Not to be confused with the hammer penis, the mushroom is typically smaller. It boasts a stocky appearance and a very wide, umbrella-like head.

5. Pencil Shaped


Erasable. Handy

… I’m a journalist.

This type of penis is particularly straight with very little to differentiate between the head and the shaft. Apparently, due to their above average length, penetration from this kind of penis can hit the cervix, causing pain for your lady-friend.

6. Carrot/Cucumber Shaped


They’re pretty different, to be honest…

For this type, the head is a lot smaller than the shaft (with is typically fairly large). Rumour has it that deep penetration is where it’s at for this penis and it works well with most positions… Seriously who comes up with this?!

7. Veiny Penis


… that’s an arm

Well it’s veiny. Obviously. This can occur in all penis types so shouldn’t really count at one itself. Counting veins as a defining factor on one’s penis would be like ordering a side-plate for your main at a restaurant.

8. Aluguntugui


If it’s like that, I’m sorry but you need help

Aluguntugui is the name given to the sour sop in the Ga language, native to Ghana. If you have one of these penises, it will be around 4-5 inches long but what it may lack in length, it compensates for in fucking ridiculous girth. What a 13-year-old boy might call a chode.

So yeah, are you any of those? I’m not, which is concerning.

Let us know what you think in the comments!

Images via iStock

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