Disgruntled Visitor Lays Into Hotel With Hilarious Trip Advisor Review



The Britannia Hotel in Birmingham. We have never been but a quick glance on Trip Advisor and the two most recent reviews are titled “Rip off” and “Buy a tent instead.” 

Having never been to the hotel,  we don’t want to pass any judgement ourselves, but there are quite a few disgruntled reviews on Trip Advisor at the moment. None more so than this one which was left around a week ago. Here’s what this guy, who we think is called Phil, had to say. 

“The place has character, I’ll give it that”

“I had the pleasure of staying at the Britannia Hotel Birmingham in April 2015 and I must say: it was a delightful experience that I will certainly never forget.

The Britannia Hotel has taken the simple task of using the lift and added a fresh new twist that’s not afforded by any of the other, more boring hotels; they’ve cleverly introduced an element of chance to the whole experience. Alongside the thrill of thinking: “will I/won’t I live whilst riding this rickety death trap”, you can also play an exciting game of: “will this lift stop at the correct floor?” Two of my fellow passengers on this ornate box of doom hit the jackpot when the lift stopped exactly at the floor they’d selected. Imagine then, my surprise, and that of my fellow passengers, as we were taken to the floor above our intended target.

If you think having to walk a flight of stairs sounds inconvenient, then fear not. The Britannia Hotel Birmingham has sought to make up for the inconvenience afforded to you by your lift mishap by kindly propping open each and every fire door on your floor so you don’t have to worry about things like: looking silly as you accidentally try to push a pull door; or, living in the event of an emergency.

As I approached my room, I had high hopes. I could see by the repairs to the door (which was, unusually for this hotel, closed) that some keen soul had previously been so unable to contain their excitement at getting into this suite that they had, in fact, kicked it in. As my other senses caught up however, I could tell by the powerfully pungent odour that a far more likely explanation was that it had been kicked in simply to investigate the possibility of a corpse in the room,

Clearly there was no corpse and yet, the mystery smell lingered. It could have been one of many things: one of the numerous stains on the carpet; one of the numerous stains on the floorboards where the carpet had worn away; the unflushed toilet; the brown in the bath; whatever that stuff is that’s keeping the bottom drawer of the night stand stuck shut; or, perhaps it was just the rotten stench of the owner’s attitude towards their guests.

Thankfully though, it could have been much worse. Fortunately for me, I’d booked a non-smoking room. For the uninitiated, the difference between a smoking room and a non-smoking room in the Britannia Hotel Birmingham is thus: a smoking room is a room where you are permitted to smoke; a non-smoking room is a room where you are permitted to smoke as long as the window is open. I decided against taking up smoking in order to mask the smell of death, but settled on leaving the window open nonetheless as it not only saved me from possible asphyxiation, but also allowed me to drift off to the tranquil sounds of drunken Johns bartering with prostitutes in the alley below.

Whilst the entertainment system wasn’t state of the art, in truth, I found I had very little need for it. I was far more entertained by watching the microbes spread before my very eyes on the period decor and the flea circus I became ring-master of whilst in the room.

I will no doubt be back, as The Britannia Hotel Birmingham is the ideal place to take my child when they come of age. After all, what better way to deter a teenager from a life of drugs, than to show them the sort of place that they could potentially end up in. This is, quite frankly, the closest thing to a crack den I’ve ever stayed in.”

That clears that one up then. Now, we just need an excuse to go to Birmingham so that we can check this place out…

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