How To Convince Your Mother That You're An Overwhelming Success

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Lois

Mothers worry. It’s what they do. In fact ‘To Mother’ means ‘To Worry’ in Ancient Greek (it doesn’t).

So, in light of Mothering Sunday, to make the old Queen happy, here are some tips on how to make your mother think that everything is going perfectly.

WORK

If you have a job then congratulations, not easy to do and that’s sort of step one over.

You need to look like a success. You don’t want your mum thinking you’re some sort of lackey.

Wear a suit. Even if you don’t need a suit, wear one. Talk about the deal going through in Tokyo, mention board meetings. Check your watch, you’re a busy worker, you have to be places and fast. 

Drink espressos.

Do this around the dinner table.

pump

SOCIAL

It’s not enough to just have a bubbling social life. You need to let her know that you, Mr/ Mrs Professional (see above), are in fact Mr/Mrs Sex.

sex

More importantly, however, you need a thriving relationship with the opposite gender (or whatever your preference is). 

If you are happy either single or shagging around every night, lie. Mum doesn’t want to know that, she wants to know that she raised a child that people want to be in a relationship with.

Have friends.  Text them every now and then around her, not too much though otherwise that would annoy her and she might even think you’re a drug dealer. 

If you’re particularly repellent or you just don’t get the whole “Human Thing” then set your phone alarm to go off at random intervals so as to make it look like someone’s trying to call you.

MISCELLANEOUS

Talk about things that you would never talk to your friends about. For example, assuming you don’t live with her and have come for a visit:

“Hello (your name), how are you?”

“Hi Mum. I’m alright, traffic was a nightmare but that’s what happens when you take the M5 and M40 to get from here to Gloucester.”

“You should have taken the M4.”

“I will next time.”

Mothers love all of that. The weather is also a winner.

Don’t eat too much. Unless you bought the food, in which case it’s best to eat more, don’t eat everything on the table otherwise she will get the impression that you are starving back in your own home. Obviously a bad thing.

Meatloaf

Once you have mastered all of these tips, your mother will be down to yoga class, bragging about you quicker than you can say “No mum, stop. It’s bloody embarrassing.”

Written By Alfie Powell 

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