24 Things Women Wish Men Knew About Sex
The Metro recently ran with this guide on what men need to know in bed. Now we know that men can be pretty dumb with this kind of stuff, but some of this is common knowledge, right? Tell us what you think…
Men, take note.
1. When you try and go down on us after a night of partying, it makes us feel really uncomfortable. We showered, we got ready, we drank, we danced, we sweated and yeah, we’re probably not all too fresh down there. Choose your timings better.
2. The clit is a sensitive area. It doesn’t benefit from you bashing it like an Xbox controller button. In fact, it kinda hurts.
3. 70 per cent of women can’t climax through penetrative sex alone. We can see that pained look on your face as you try and hang on for a joint climax, but it ain’t happening babes.
4. Balls. We just don’t know what to do with them. Do we put them in our mouth? Play with them? Lick them? WHAT?
5. Women don’t sit around watching porn together. There’s nothing in the world that could possibly be more uncomfortable and socially unacceptable than getting aroused while sitting next to your mates. Well, unless your mates were your parents.
6. Please stop waxing/trimming/shaving your pubes away. We like them. Well, not so much the bit where they end up in our mouth while we’re giving you head, but y’know we like them overall, they remind us of your manliness.
7. It’s not that we don’t enjoy doggy style, we do. What we don’t enjoy is that all we’re thinking about the entire time is how much our boobs and bellies are hanging down and swaying like a set of udders being milked. Sad face.
8. Unless you’ve literally got a pocket-sized penis, size doesn’t matter. It’s actually the big scary penises that upset us more. They hurt and make us bleed and yeah, all that.
9. Pushing our heads doesn’t help us give you a blow job. It hinders us and distresses us and make us fear for our gag reflex.
10. We don’t find penis pics sexy. End of conversation.
11. You know that feeling of getting into fresh bed sheets after a hot bath? We like that feeling during sex too. Not that we don’t adore it when we’re forced to roll around in crumbs and suspect stains…
12. We like a gentle bit of nipple play. But note the gentle. It’s not so fun when you squeeze them so tightly we wonder if you’re going through some sort of labour contraction.
13. We don’t know our vaginas or have close bonds with them. We’re sorry, it’s nothing like yours and ‘Mr Big’s’ relationship.
14. We like kissing. We miss the sort of long make-out sessions we had as teenagers, so if you ever want to bring that back, that’d be a-OK with us.
15. Don’t ever grab our bellies and give it a wiggle. It’s not funny, not sexy and we can’t be held responsible if we give you a firm kick in the shin for doing it.
16. Believe it or not, it’s actually really hard to do professional yoga in the shower – we can’t quite reach every ahem, crevice, with the razor. So we apologise in advance for any stragglers.
17. Don’t assume every single girl is on the pill. Because, well, condoms.
18. We know you all seem to like tit wanks, but we feel like we’re doing them wrong. Is your penis supposed to constantly slip around and fall out of our cleavage? Is that just how it works? :/ :/ :/
19. Turns out, when we ask you what you like and you say ‘it all feels good’, it’s not that helpful. Come on guys, give us some specifics. Help us be amazing.
20. If you stroke/squeeze/kiss one boob you do not have to do it to the other one. They’re not children fighting for your affection. They’ll be OK.
21. Contrary to popular belief, we don’t actually care about your ex girlfriends or people you’ve slept with before us. Well, unless it’s our sister. Or best friend. Or mum. Treat us with that same respect.
22. We know white T-shirt bras are about as sexy as a white head and we’re really sorry, they just make our lives so much blinking easier.
23. Sex toys and penises are not in the same category – so stop feeling like you’re in competition with a battery-run device. Sometimes we want cake, sometimes we want ice cream and sometimes we want chocolate ice cream. That’s just how it works.
24. Just ask us what we like. Except not in a ‘you’re loving that, aren’t you?’ way that makes us want to be sick all down ourselves and never see a man naked again