The 8 Drunk Lad Persona's
There are two types of guy – the standard issue man and the drunken lad. As the drunken persona slowly starts to take over, the shackles are loosened and men will ultimately turn into one of the following. If you think that the drunk you isn’t one of these characters then you’re in denial – the truth we speak.
1. The Sniper
The Sniper approaches women as though on a ruthless assassination mission. He sharks from one ‘piece of meat’ to the next, shooting from the hip with gropy hands and flimsy one liners. Never do you hear a sniper say “ABORT MISSION” and never will you see him turn red faced in the jaws of rejection. The sniper is a gift that he gave to himself.
Favourite Move: The Whoopsy Grind Behind – This is where the wasted lad accidentally falls perfectly onto a girls ass and begins to rub his captain against her curves, only at the third dirty look will he strike out and move on to his next target.
Desired Targets Be Like….
2. Macho Man
Macho Men are by far the worst kind of drunk lad, as they are basically just w***kers out searching for a fight. Perhaps their team lost today, perhaps he doesn’t want to be the sniper as he is going through a phase of erectile dysfunction, or perhaps he is just a bit if a tw*t. Nobody knows for sure what motivates Mach Man to spend the entirety of his evening seeking an opportunity to get involved in a fight – but he does.
Favourite Move: The Troubling Bluff – This is where Macho Man pours a quarter of his pint down his own shirt and turns to the nearest male that is smaller than him and barks “WTF DID YOU DO THAT FOR? DID YOU JUST CALL ME A D*KHEAD?”
3. The Gorger
Gorgers are an honest breed of drunken lad. After a few beers all they can think about is a twelve inch pizza served with a delicate side of oily kebab meat, mega chunky chips and cheese, and a gallon of mayonnaise. As long as The Gorger is fed dutifully then he will remain an honest lad, the only difference being the chili sauce that dribbles from his chin down his chest.
Favourite Move: The Snatchy Man – Whilst suffering the torture of waiting for his feed The Gorger will grab at his mates chips and take a bite of their burger our of pure boozy desperation.
4. The Swagger Jagger
The Swagger Jagger is quite literally the dogs bo***ks. Within his trim and fashionable envelope you will be fortunate enough to find quick wits, wisdom, dance moves superior to Jacko’s, hair so perfect that it has to be a sculpture, and a trail of groupies stretching to the taxi rank. The Swagger Jagger is a smooth operator.
Favourite Move: Laser Brain – This is where he tells the DJ which song to play next just by looking at him.
5. The Deluded Swagger Jagger
This drunken lad thinks himself to be a Swagger Jagger but falls embarrassingly short. His music taste is slightly dated, his clothes often don’t sit quite right on him, and his body moves to a beat that only he can hear. You would give him 10/10 for effort and individuality, but only he is bothering to keep score.
Favourite Move: The Swoop – This is where the Deluded Swagger Jagger spots a female that has been shunted by a genuine Swagger Jagger and moves in to pick up the pieces.
6. The Wanderer
The Wanderer is the Bear Grylls of drunkenness. As intoxication kicks in constant supervision is required to ensure The Wanderer doesn’t end up on a plane to Syria. Despite setting out with ready made friends The Wanderer is always keen to stick to his title and seek out greener pastures. They roam around pestering strangers and then when their friends have finally given up searching they call him to see where he is. The resulting conversation usually goes something like this.
“Where are you?”
“Next to a phone box”
“Which phone box?”
“It’s on a street.”
Favourite Move: The Stick then Twist – This is where The Wanderer ropes in an unsuspecting random to join them on their conquests, only to ditch them twenty minutes later.
7. Tour Bus Lad
Tour Bus Lad came out with the lads, and he’s sticking with the lads until at least 1am when total intoxication might dictate otherwise. The lad on tour is on a big binge, throatily howling football chants, winning arm wrestles, and of course necking pints. His two topics of conversation are either sport or women. A down the line uncomplicated lad.
Favourite Move: The Subtle Nod – Used when identifying female creatures of desire to other Lads on Tour
8. S-S-S-Sensitive Lad
The sensitive lad has something boiling on his mind and no amount of alcohol will dislodge the trauma that engulfs him. This trauma is often shaped like jealousy as he fears every other lad is trying to hook up with his girlfriend, or he might just feel like he wants more attention. The Lad on Tour can often be heard whispering into the Sensitive Lads ear something along the lines of “cheer up buddy” or “grow a pair.”
Favourite Move: The Circular Skulk – Sensitive Lad just can’t handle it anymore, and the only solution is to do a lap of the club with his head down but his eyes always veering towards the root of his sensitivity.